I had a bizarre, protracted dream last night. I had to go in a great hurry to meet some friends and so began packing necessary items into a bag. Despite not finding everything I needed, I left to catch a bus. The bus was slow and was going in the wrong direction so I got off to walk the rest of the way.

I took a shortcut across a vast, cobbled courtyard, but I must have tripped because I managed to lose one of my sandals to an angry seagull. The bird had a ground-level nest filled with mud in the centre of the courtyard and it was to here the gull took my footwear. The bird had black, beady eyes and a long, snaking neck which snapped out at me when I tried to get near. With the help of a passerby who distracted the vicious bird’s attention long enough for me to escape its sharp beak, I managed to retrieve my shoe.

Muddy sandal re-appropiated, I headed on to meet my friends who were all in a theatre. The building was huge and full of the anticipation of an eagerly waiting audience. They were about to watch some kind of show and everyone was waiting for me before it could start. Feeling embarrassed for holding up the proceedings, I rushed to find a space to sit in but could only find an empty spot on the floor.

The show was to be played on my friend’s PlayStation. It was a kind of interactive movie/game and once it started the entire audience was drawn into it as players and were no longer in the theatre. The format of the game was a kind of capture-the-flag mission in teams of two. We had to find our way to the end of the game while avoiding the Predator which was chasing us.

Knowing that the Predator would be waiting to ambush us at a bridge, we sneaked past it by tunnelling underground and made our way to the finish where there was a great throne with an emperor-type figure seated on it. The emperor was dressed in gold-plated samurai armour. He was the goal of our mission. But before I could reach him, the Predator appeared and attacked the emperor.

The emperor was unafraid; he laughed and dared the Predator to attack. The Predator stabbed the emperor in his throat, almost tearing his head from his neck as bright blood came spurting out. But the emperor didn’t die. He continued to laugh and rapidly began transforming into a robot-emperor and grew to over double his size. He stood up from his throne and then marched off chanting in Japanese, leaving the Predator very confused.

I believe this is unequivocal proof of the effect of late-night cheese-eating on dreams. This has me tempted to continue my cheese-dream research I began several years ago. The British Cheese Board carried out such a survey in 2005 but, understandably, only used British cheese. My dream was the product of Parmesan but it was every bit as bizarre as the cheese board claimed Stilton dreams to be.